


Shadow of a Smile

by zarabithia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-28 22:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16731660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/pseuds/zarabithia
Summary: There is much that is harsh in the life of a Jedi. Luke's life isn't an exception.





	Shadow of a Smile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thymesis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thymesis/gifts).



Much is harsh on Tatooine. There are few exceptions to that policy in Luke's life - Aunt Beru's crooked smiles and Bigg's shared yearning of the stars beyond their planet- but growing up there has mostly meant getting used to rough edges and becoming familiar with the craving for tenderness never truly being fulfilled.

But occasionally, the severity of life on Tatooine was interrupted by the confusing presence of Old Ben Kenobi. It had started simply enough, a day in which a stray piece of metal had seemed to all but float in Luke's hand, and who better to ask about what might have been actual magic than the old wizard who lived in the mountains? 

_("If you could make metal bend to your will, you could do the same with sand, couldn't you, Luke? Seems like a perfectly reasonable wish for a young boy who finds the stars more desirable than his moisture farm.")_

Uncle Owen had been furious – whether at Luke's hallucination or the visit, Luke can't say for sure. Either way, Uncle Owen has warned Luke not to go around "that crazy old hermit," and Luke likes making his uncle happy. But that particular piece of advice is ignored more often than Uncle Owen would like and far less often than Luke would admit.

It isn't that Luke enjoys disobeying his uncle's wishes, but the pull to visit Old Ben is one that he can't quite shake. He doesn't know why, and there are many days that Luke spends tinkering with the power converters and vaporators that Luke tries to figure it out. Seeking Old Ben out should feel like a disloyal act, but the deeply ingrained desire feels natural in a way that Luke cannot give a reason to. That draw is stronger than any guilt that Luke thinks he should possess. 

So it is, on the celebration of Luke's sixteenth birthday, with his stomach full of his favorite bread - lovingly prepared by Aunt Beru - that Luke takes advantage of his "earned day off" and seeks out Ben Kenobi. 

Some days, it's a difficult task. The exact location of Old Ben seems to change from month to month, which Luke figures is pretty reasonable behavior for a supposed wizard, even one who didn't particularly seem to believe in magic. 

But today, finding Old Ben is easy. Luke doesn't even have to travel that far to find him this time. 

"Ah, Luke. I was wondering if I was going to see you today." Old Ben never smiles, not truly. But every now and then, he surprises Luke with something that seems like it _wants_ to be a smile. If smiles could have shadows, that's what Old Ben gives him. 

But that shadow of a smile seems more sincere than the bright, toothy grins that Luke receives when he goes to Tosche Station. 

"Uncle Owen gave me the day off," Luke says. "It's my birthday, you know." 

"Is it? Then I guess I can offer you half of my stew. It would be rude of me to deny you that, wouldn't it?" 

It wouldn't, but Old Ben already has the dishes out on the small table, so it would be rude of Luke to refuse to sit at the table with him. Luke takes a seat and watches Old Ben carefully dip up the stew, before his eyes fall upon a small work table off to the corner. There were several small model ships on the table, including some that looked incredibly familiar to Luke, because they closely resembled the ones that Aunt Beru had given him as a child. 

"Hey, these are really great!" Luke gets up, forgetting his desire to be a good guest and eat snake stew with Old Ben. He picks up one of the models and turns it over in his hands. The craftsmanship is detailed and too precise to have been a careless hobby. "Did you make these?" 

"Yes," Old Ben says. He sits the stew down and comes over to stand in front of Luke. "I find a bit of carving makes the sand storms go more quickly." 

"A little bit of carving? This is an exact replica of a TIE Interceptor. I could probably get in and find a way to pilot this thing, if it was bigger!" Luke laughs at the complete understatement and turns the piece over in his hand. Had his childhood toys come from this man? Why hadn't Aunt Beru ever said anything? 

But, then, Luke knows the answer to that is probably because Uncle Owen hates Old Ben. Luke doesn't understand why. He is the one of the kindest people that Luke has ever met. 

Hands tanned by years of the sun brush against Luke's fingers as Luke keeps marveling at the toy in his hand. 

"It has been some time since I heard a laugh like that," Old Ben says, and he sounds so sad. 

Too sad for a birthday celebration. "How long?" Luke asks, because it seems so important, and something that Old Ben is sharing only with him. Here, in an old cave beyond the Jundland Wastes, Luke feels like he might be much more important than he ever does on the moisture farm he calls home. 

"About 16 years or so," Old Ben says, and his voice is so soft, as soft as his hands. 

The beard is also soft, Luke discovers as the night wears on, and that discovery makes Old Ben's voice much less sad, so it is a wonderful discovery for multiple reasons.

* * *

Solo's piece of junk turned out to be much bigger on the inside than it looked from the outside, and Luke is grateful for it. He's grateful for the chance to get away from Solo's bravado, no matter how charming it might otherwise be. 

But he isn't alone, at least not for long.

"I won't ask you if you're alright. That would be cruel," Obi-Wan says as he takes a seat next to Luke on the floor of a closet that has apparently been designed to hold nothing but capes. 

Luke wraps his arms around his knees and leans his head on Obi-Wan's shoulder. There's a familiar dusty scent that reminds him of Tatooine, and Luke closes his eyes to keep the tears from falling. 

"I know we don't have time for this," Luke says.

"I don't know about that. I think we have about three days," Obi-Wan answers. 

"What kind of Jedi would come to a closet and cry before a mission?" Luke asks. 

Obi-Wan sighs, and there's a lull in the conversation that makes Luke think that perhaps Obi-Wan is as disappointed in Luke as Luke is in himself. But eventually, he answers Luke. 

"Someone who I hope will be quite a good one, in the future, when the grief is not quite as raw as it is now." 

"Really? You can still have that faith in me?" 

"I trust in the Force, and I trust in you," Ben answers. "And there are many occasions to cry beyond the Dune Sea, Luke. It is not your sadness that determines your fitness to be a Jedi. It is only your reaction to them." 

"I'm sorry you had to do that alone," Luke says. 

"They were not situations that you could have changed, Luke." 

"Maybe not. But I could have offered comfort," Luke argues. 

"Mm. But neither of us are alone now, and my comfort is yours if you want it." 

He does. Maybe that selfishness will make him a bad Jedi, but for the moment at least, Obi-Wan does not seem to think so.

* * *

Luke doesn't need to turn around to know that it is Obi-Wan's presence behind him. So he does not; instead, he stays facing out towards the waves that crash against the jagged rocks of the island. They are calming in a way that the sands of Tatooine never had been. 

"Have you come to express your disappointment?" Luke asks. 

"That would imply that I have a reason to be disappointed," Obi-Wan answers, and the voice is just as quiet as it had been in a cave on Tatooine decades before. 

"I think it's obvious that you do." There's bitterness and anger in his voice, and Luke doesn't bother to hide either of those things. 

"Is it the deeds that you have done or the ones you intend to do that you believe will cause disappointment?" Obi-Wan asks. 

Luke does turn then, to look at him. Obi-Wan looks a bit younger than Luke remembers. There's more red in his hair than white, and the wrinkles that Luke has always loved seem fewer in number. 

Perhaps he only seems younger because Luke is so old. 

"How do you know?" Luke asks simply.

"That you are planning on cutting yourself off from the Force? Your concentration has been immense. Even more impressive than normal," Obi-Wan says. "And although it's ill-advised, I have no doubt that you will succeed in what you are trying to do." 

"Ill-advised? How can you say that?" Luke demands. "My own nephew, who I campaigned to have named after you, turned to the dark side and destroyed half of the new Jedi Order." 

"And so you came here, to escape it all?" 

"Is it any different than running away to Tatooine? Or Dagobah?" Luke says. 

It's cruel to say. Maybe too cruel, yet Obi-Wan doesn't seem to mind. 

"It isn't; you are right. Perhaps in coming to this island, you are merely caring on a Jedi tradition of running away," Obi-Wan says. "But you forget, Luke, that the Force is always with you. You may hide from others who will seek you out, but it will still be with you. And one day, you may find yourself in the same situation as Yoda and myself." 

"I already did," Luke says bitterly. "And I failed completely as a Jedi." 

"A Jedi trained Darth Vader," Obi-Wan reminds him. "As far as failures go, you cannot top that one." 

"My father wasn't your _nephew_ ," Luke answers. 

Because that matters. It's a very personal and specific kind of failure that Obi-Wan cannot understand.

"No, but I loved him," Obi-Wan replies. "And it wasn't enough to stop him. Just as I love you, and it is not enough to stop you from making your choice." 

Luke closes his eyes against the hammering in his chest. "Good-bye, Obi-Wan." 

"Good-bye, Luke. May the Force ... return to you, in time." 

Luke feels the loss of Obi-Wan's presence, and then later, of the Force itself.


End file.
